How to tell mom she's moving to memory care, and the first 30 days

How to tell mom she's moving to memory care depends on how much she can still follow. If she can weigh a decision, involve her early. If she can't hold onto the plan for more than a few hours, tell her on moving day, in a sentence or two, with a reason she can accept. Then go straight to something pleasant. Weeks of warning usually give her weeks of dread and none of the details.

Neither way is lying to her or tricking her. You're giving her the version of the news her brain can carry.

How to tell mom she's moving to memory care

Start by being honest with yourself about where she is. Ask yourself whether she would remember a conversation from yesterday, and whether she could compare two options and tell you which she prefers.

If she can, the Family Caregiver Alliance suggests talking candidly about the limits of care at home with a parent who can still take part in the decision. Tour together if she's up to it. Give her real choices: which room, which chair comes along, which photos go on the wall. She may still say no. You can listen to her fears without handing her a veto over her own safety.

If she can't, a long explanation won't help. She'll lose the facts and keep the fear. Most families in this spot:

1. Say nothing in the weeks before, beyond what she notices.
2. Tell her on the day, at her calmest time, in plain words.
3. Give a reason that's true enough and kind, like the doctor wanting more help close by, or a short stay while she gets stronger.
4. Change the subject to the drive, lunch or the dog.

If a reason like "for a while" feels wrong to you, read our guide on therapeutic lying in dementia care. It has a simple test for when a fib is kind and when it isn't.

What to say

Put these in your own words. Short and warm works better than complete.

• If she asks how long: "For now. Let's see how your legs feel in a few weeks."
• If she asks "Why are you doing this to me?": "I wanted someone with you at night, every night, and I couldn't be that person. I'm sorry it's hard."
• If she says "You're putting me away": "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here Tuesday, and you can tell me everything wrong with the coffee."
• When you need to leave: "I'm going to grab a few things from the car. Do you want anything?"
• Ending a phone call: "I'm heading into work. I'll call you after lunch tomorrow. Love you."

Moving day, step by step

1. Set up her room before she arrives. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests filling it with familiar things: her bedspread, family photos, plants, her own chair if it fits.
2. Label her clothes, glasses and hearing aids. Leave jewelry and anything valuable at home.
3. Write one page about her for staff. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests a "life poster" and sharing her history so staff see a person, not a chart. Include the name she likes, the work she did, what calms her, what sets her off and how she takes her coffee.
4. Pick her best time of day, and bring a second person if you can.
5. Once she's busy with lunch or an activity, leave. Keep the goodbye short and ordinary, as if you'll see her later, because you will.

Afterward, sit in the car and cry if you need to. The Family Caregiver Alliance says to expect a lot of emotions after the move, and that they're a normal part of a hard change. Then go somewhere that isn't her empty house.

The first 30 days

The first month is usually the hardest for both of you. The Alzheimer's Association warns that a move can bring temporary changes: more confusion, sleep problems, wandering, falls and changes in appetite. Some people settle within a couple of weeks. Others take months.

What helps in that first month:

• Visit often. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests visiting often in the first two weeks, daily if you can manage it, and says frequent short visits matter more than long ones.
• Some places ask families to stay away for the first week or two. Ask why. You know your mom, and you get a say.
• Learn the aides' names, including on the night shift. The Alliance suggests using their names and praising good care, since these are the people with her at 3 a.m.
• Check that she has her glasses, teeth and hearing aids, and ask how she's eating.
• Ask when the first care plan meeting is, and go.
• Accept that staff won't do things exactly your way. Different isn't the same as wrong.

Take Maria, whose mother cried at every visit for the first ten days and packed her bag each afternoon. Maria came every day at 11 for half an hour and left when lunch was served. By the third week her mom was waving her off to go play bingo.

How often should I visit my mom in memory care?

There's no correct number. Once she's settling, the Family Caregiver Alliance suggests easing back from daily visits to every other day, then every third day, if that feels right to you. It also says three 20-minute visits a week beat one hour-long visit, because people with dementia often lose track of time and won't remember how long you stayed.

So pick a rhythm you can keep for a year, not one that wipes you out in a month. Twice a week plus a phone call at her best time of day is a real visiting schedule. So is every Sunday, if that's what keeps you working and sleeping.

Plan your exit before you arrive. Ask staff to bring her to an activity near the end of your visit, so you can slip out while she's busy.

Questions caregivers ask

My mom in memory care wants to go home. What do I say?

Almost everyone asks. It rarely means the place is wrong. The Family Caregiver Alliance notes that "I want to go home" usually signals discomfort, and suggests answering with something like "Tell me about your home." Answer the feeling, not the request. Our guide to when a dementia patient wants to go home has scripts for the daily calls and the visits.

How do you know when someone is ready for memory care?

Usually you see it in her safety and in your own health before she says anything. Wandering, falls, nights awake and a caregiver who's falling apart are the common signs. Our guide on when it's time for memory care walks through them.

What if she never settles?

Give it longer than feels comfortable. If she's still distressed after two months, ask for a care plan meeting with the director and nurse, and ask her doctor to check for pain, depression or a medical cause. Sometimes a different room, a different schedule or a different place is the answer. Feeling guilty either way is common, and it doesn't mean you chose wrong.