Dementia behavior: what to say when nothing you say works
Most caregivers expect forgetting. What wears them down is the behavior: being accused of stealing, being asked the same question twenty times an hour, being told "I want to go home" while she's sitting in the house she's lived in for forty years.
None of it is aimed at you, even when it's said to you. Dementia damages the parts of the brain that check facts, hold onto new information and calm a scared feeling down. So the old ways of talking, explaining and correcting stop working, and arguments that used to end now spiral.
The guides below give you words that usually work better. They share three ideas:
- Answer the feeling, not the facts. If she's scared, the facts won't help until the fear goes down.
- Keep it short. One idea per sentence, one question at a time.
- Change the scene. A walk, a snack or a job for her hands often does more than any sentence.
One rule overrides everything else: a sudden change in behavior can be a medical problem, such as an infection or delirium. If she's suddenly much more confused, agitated or seeing things, call her doctor the same day.
- What to say to someone with dementia, and what not to sayAnswer the feeling, not the facts. Word-for-word lines for confusion, delusions and repeated questions, plus the phrases that usually start fights.
- My mom with dementia accuses me of stealing: what to doDon't argue or defend yourself. What to say when a parent with dementia accuses you of stealing, where lost things hide, and when to call the doctor.
- Dementia patient wants to go home but is home: what to do"Home" usually means feeling safe. What to say when she wants to go home but is home or in memory care, plus calls, visits and when to call the doctor.
- Dementia repeating the same question: why it happens, what to sayShe isn't doing it on purpose. Why a parent with dementia asks the same question over and over, word-for-word answers that calm her, and what to try.
- Dementia aggression toward caregiver: what to do when he lashes outStep back, lower your voice, don't argue. What to do when a parent with dementia gets aggressive, what to say, when to call 911, and when it's medical.
- Dementia hallucinations: what to do when he sees thingsDon't argue about what he sees. What to do about dementia hallucinations, calm words that work, how to fix the room, and when to call his doctor today.
- Therapeutic lying in dementia care: when a fib is kindIs it OK to lie to someone with dementia? When a gentle fib spares her pain, where the line is, and what to say instead of hard truths she can't use.
